that's it, i'm done. no more, i've won.

I can only smile now.

I've said everything I needed to, apologised to the people who deserve it.
Not to you, you don't need it. You don't deserve my respect, my admiration and the love I used to feel for you. You've lost that. I'm angry at myself for ever giving it to you.

You sunk to a new low tonight, and you've hurt more people than just me.
I hope you wake up one day and realise how good you had it, but now you have no one except her, and she wont hang around through everything. She deserves more than you. And believe me, she'll get it.

think of me when you realise you have nothing.

it's hard not to go on.

The frustration of my own thoughts gets to much sometimes. Its a frustration which builds constantly until I find an appropriate way to express them, whether that's within a blog, or an analytical conversation with my oldest brother. Sometimes they just need to be vocalised.

At the moment I know that my thoughts are over powering my physical self because there literally hurting my head, but I'm currently within the annoying state of mind which just refuses to allow me access to my thoughts, not allowing me to realise what I'm trying to think. Frustrating right?

AHHH. I've run out of things to interpret. I hate feeling like this.

until next time humans.

ever felt so scared of slipping into who you were before, but at the same time wanted nothing more?

Two aspects of my life are locked in a fierce battle against each other. The longing for how things were battles the terrifying chance of slipping back.
Confused?

Things used to be terrifying, not understanding my own thoughts, the horrible feeling of not being able to recognise which were mine and which were not. I don't want to go back there..

However, things used to be amazing.
You were the only element of my life which was good..

But you've gone now. And i'm going back.

help me.

i can't do this any more.

I regret looking you in the eyes today. Blue and shining. Just how they used to be.
I regret seeing your smile today. Filled with happiness. Just how it used to be.

because today, I realised how in love with you I still am.

I shouldn't be. I never should have been. From the very beginning it was a mistake. A mistake which turned into something amazing.

You've made me smile, made me laugh, conjured my darkest and most dangerous thoughts. but I can't forget you.

you are my enemy, my friend, my thoughts, my life.

get out of my mind.

my evening.

all this talk of moving is getting me down. Well maybe its not the talk of moving, more than it is hearing the reasons why. Having a stunted conversation with my mum as we flicker back and forth over mindless reasons to stay and not to stay where we are.

we watch each other closely and study the reactions to each idea, deep down we're trying to find something to comment on, something to start an argument. A bit of passionate conflict. The hope that the anger in the moment will engulf an idea in flames and cause us to bond as we battle the fire.

We're trying to decipher each line and crevice of the others face, trying to work out the emotions behind the words. The truth behind the mask.

its hard.

its hard to listen to the woman who's always been strong for you, break down at the idea of slipping back, slipping away from what she is. From what she was.
She's torn between the idea of love and luxury for the sake of her youngest child, and the life of anger and hidden rage which she new before.

and this conflict of emotion, of understand, of family, will not soon be resolved.
until then..

we wait.

i get that writers block, it comes as quite a shock.

every now and again my thoughts subside and leave the gap between my ears empty. the reasons for this deceit escape me, although a friend told me "it could be a sign that your happy and not thinking loads". even for that day I miss my over analytical mind.

However the happiness doesn't disappoint. The fact the smile on my face is there because I want to smile not because I'm meant to. The idea that the happiness inside is caused by happy people, and not by the denial of bad thoughts, just to spite the bitterness inside me. Happiness is addictive and contagious.

this, in the words of my friend this is a "good sign"

a short but sweet post.
goodnight.

no inspiration

means no blog.