that's it, i'm done. no more, i've won.

I can only smile now.

I've said everything I needed to, apologised to the people who deserve it.
Not to you, you don't need it. You don't deserve my respect, my admiration and the love I used to feel for you. You've lost that. I'm angry at myself for ever giving it to you.

You sunk to a new low tonight, and you've hurt more people than just me.
I hope you wake up one day and realise how good you had it, but now you have no one except her, and she wont hang around through everything. She deserves more than you. And believe me, she'll get it.

think of me when you realise you have nothing.

it's hard not to go on.

The frustration of my own thoughts gets to much sometimes. Its a frustration which builds constantly until I find an appropriate way to express them, whether that's within a blog, or an analytical conversation with my oldest brother. Sometimes they just need to be vocalised.

At the moment I know that my thoughts are over powering my physical self because there literally hurting my head, but I'm currently within the annoying state of mind which just refuses to allow me access to my thoughts, not allowing me to realise what I'm trying to think. Frustrating right?

AHHH. I've run out of things to interpret. I hate feeling like this.

until next time humans.

ever felt so scared of slipping into who you were before, but at the same time wanted nothing more?

Two aspects of my life are locked in a fierce battle against each other. The longing for how things were battles the terrifying chance of slipping back.
Confused?

Things used to be terrifying, not understanding my own thoughts, the horrible feeling of not being able to recognise which were mine and which were not. I don't want to go back there..

However, things used to be amazing.
You were the only element of my life which was good..

But you've gone now. And i'm going back.

help me.

i can't do this any more.

I regret looking you in the eyes today. Blue and shining. Just how they used to be.
I regret seeing your smile today. Filled with happiness. Just how it used to be.

because today, I realised how in love with you I still am.

I shouldn't be. I never should have been. From the very beginning it was a mistake. A mistake which turned into something amazing.

You've made me smile, made me laugh, conjured my darkest and most dangerous thoughts. but I can't forget you.

you are my enemy, my friend, my thoughts, my life.

get out of my mind.

my evening.

all this talk of moving is getting me down. Well maybe its not the talk of moving, more than it is hearing the reasons why. Having a stunted conversation with my mum as we flicker back and forth over mindless reasons to stay and not to stay where we are.

we watch each other closely and study the reactions to each idea, deep down we're trying to find something to comment on, something to start an argument. A bit of passionate conflict. The hope that the anger in the moment will engulf an idea in flames and cause us to bond as we battle the fire.

We're trying to decipher each line and crevice of the others face, trying to work out the emotions behind the words. The truth behind the mask.

its hard.

its hard to listen to the woman who's always been strong for you, break down at the idea of slipping back, slipping away from what she is. From what she was.
She's torn between the idea of love and luxury for the sake of her youngest child, and the life of anger and hidden rage which she new before.

and this conflict of emotion, of understand, of family, will not soon be resolved.
until then..

we wait.

i get that writers block, it comes as quite a shock.

every now and again my thoughts subside and leave the gap between my ears empty. the reasons for this deceit escape me, although a friend told me "it could be a sign that your happy and not thinking loads". even for that day I miss my over analytical mind.

However the happiness doesn't disappoint. The fact the smile on my face is there because I want to smile not because I'm meant to. The idea that the happiness inside is caused by happy people, and not by the denial of bad thoughts, just to spite the bitterness inside me. Happiness is addictive and contagious.

this, in the words of my friend this is a "good sign"

a short but sweet post.
goodnight.

no inspiration

means no blog.

the things i used to know.

ever felt like you shouldn't be some where, even in a place so common knowledge to you. A place which you used to call your own, until it was changed. Maybe only changed for you, no physical differences, but you're emotional attachment has been slashed apart from it. Yeah? its a common feeling I think.

you find your self sitting, still, staring at the place you used to know. Watching people you've never met claim it as there own. You watch your life there lock its self away in the back of your mind. The memories you hold of it creep into boxes and crates in your internal storage unit.

you remember the way you used to be when you lived there, you remember the way everything way. The way it smelled, the way it felt. Your thoughts play on repeat as you stare at the cracks and crevices' which you used to hold so dear.

Photos fade, memories last.

i've found reasons.

its funny isn't it. one person saying simple words can completely change the way you look at your life. A friend of mine took time out of his day to talk to me, his simple words dance around my head even now. We talked in some detail about how much life can screw you over, we talked about the heartache we had both felt, and the things in our life which haven't gone any where near planned. But throughout the midst of this conversation we discovered that, when you think about it. I mean really think about it, life really isn't that bad. Despite what's happened through out the life I'm living out now, entwined with all the sadness and pain that's been forced upon me, smiles and laughter ring true.

Take a step out of your body and look at it, stare at it in the face and notice, you're surrounded by people who, although they don't always show it, care tremendously about you. You're enveloped by family who love you because they want to, not just because you're there family. You're smothered by people telling you that they're "always here for you". Take a step out, and realise.

Although deep down you always know it, it is very easily forgotten and neglected. It takes a conversation to bring it back to you, and another conversation to pass it on and to confirm it.

You're life is the longest thing you'll ever experience, and its not always going to be good, but by remember what you've always known, and holding on to the love around you. You'll get through it.

thank you Dan and Emma, for helping me remember.

i'm meant to be happy for you.

it hurts that you're smile isn't for me any more. that all the things you used to tell me, mean nothing to you any more, that i mean nothing to you any more. But what hurts the most is that you can look, and laugh, and love like you did before, but yet i'm left like this. I'm left feeling jealous, and angry. With a forced smile plastered on my face. I'm meant to be happy for you. But how can I be?

because every day, is alex day.

recently i've been getting quite into the work of a guy named Alex Day, known on youtube as Nerimon. I've decided that the world needs to know about this man, as his voice alone makes me happy. He's a singer and a 'vlogger' (a video blogger)

His music ranges from ones about pokemon and sonic, to ones about candyfloss and eyelashes. Check him out, and let me know what you think.

Other than listening to him, today i've done nothing. Its been a good day, extremely relaxed. I like days like this because you can just fall into the pace of it. When you've got no priority's you can very easily lose your self in time. A concept I don't disagree with. Everyone needs a break now and then, and when better but on a lazy, sunny, saturday.

keep smiling. keep happy.

how's life?

a simple question. with powerful answers.
I'm sure you've seen the child line adverts "this isn't a train ticket, this a chance for a 9year old boy to tell me he's being bullied" that sort of thing.
how's life can be passed off so nonchalantly with a simple, 'alright'. But in some cases its a recognition of the crap day you've had.

Today though, has gone surprisingly well. Although a good lunch ended on a bad note, it was followed by a relaxed lesson filled with a deflating Amy and music blasting. Perfect way to end a Friday school day.

This is my first post, but i'm sure i'll be back

keep smiling.